I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
