I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
