I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
