i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Randomize
