I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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