Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Randomize
