well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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