Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I can't turn off my feet"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
