dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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