I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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