does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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