rhymes with "ouble enetration"
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
