Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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