You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
