his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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