When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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