we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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