life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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