i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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