I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
