I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
