Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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