Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
