i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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