I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
