So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
