I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
