when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
God, I missed his penis.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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