Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
