Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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