it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
