guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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