somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
