I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
i am craving dick and cupcakes
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
