remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
