I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
