That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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