I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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