I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
