I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
