my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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