The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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