i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
