I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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