I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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