You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
