where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
