He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
