I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
