you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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