listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
