Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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