If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
