My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
