does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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