Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
