thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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