im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
