I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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