he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I think i got beer on your cat.
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