Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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