bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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