I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
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I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
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Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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