matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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