My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
